"Thanks to Kathie" and My Thoughts on Frieda Hudson...

I received a comment tonight on a recent post of March 9th. I have made no blog comment since that time regarding the ramifications of taking Frieda Hudson on an outing as friends. I have learned that "control" is such a frightening word. I have learned that people can be so wrapped up in themselves that they are not truly looking at doing the right thing. Frieda has asked for her competency to be restored. Her family is opposing that choice, and all of this resulted in her family banning Wayne and me from any further visits on March 11 2008, with a public demonstration just outside Frieda's door by the facility director. It was devastating to Wayne and me, but the biggest hurt was to Frieda, who we had to leave screaming and crying and her hands held up in a "WHY?" position. FRIEDA was devastated. Who cared about that? Was it more important to save public face than to care that Frieda has survived a living hell since July and had a great day out with HER friends? But, the ban remains and Frieda took matters into her own hands. Now, we pay a price, but most importantly, FRIEDA HUDSON pays the highest price of all...her dignity as a human being. She was completely safe, she was happy and she was in incredible spirits on March 9th, 2008. It's a sad day when 45 and 52 year old women cannot visit and have a long awaited outing without family politics. To use control of a human being under the guises of "guardianship" and forcibly separating two friends is reprehensible. I don't want to know, need to know or care to know family politics. Those matters are not my concern, although they were thrown at my family quite liberally, by all the family members. Who, by the way, now state 'how private' they wish to be. It makes no sense and never will. I wanted to HELP FRIEDA. Just Frieda. And now, I will state publicly, that it has been a battle of some sort every step of the way, finally leading up to "the banning of our visits" to Frieda at Ridgewood Manor, where she currently resides. I was called at my home on March 10th, after Frieda's family obviously read my joyful blog posting. "They" wanted to be "the first" to carry Frieda out, I was told in a hurtful phone call in which the caller didn't show one ounce of gratitude. I am not posting to point any finger, nor will I reduce myself to naming names. We all have choices. Well, everyone except Frieda Hudson, right now. Frieda has been able to leave the facility since early January and even the staff there, as I said in my March 9th post, was so supportive because someone was finally taking Frieda out into fresh air and sunshine. I cannot speak for the priorities of others, but I can say from January to March is quite a long time not to have taken Frieda out on any one of those days and not one family member elected to do that. Since January, were they ALL that busy? Even staff members wondered aloud to us on many occasions when Frieda was going to "get to go somewhere." We grew so weary and sad as Frieda would cry when we visited with my parents and others. She KNEW she could leave and she WANTED go somewhere, ANYWHERE! Wouldn't you after all these months of what she has been through? Excuses can be made, but the bottom line is that no one did it. Wayne and I have suffered a severe consequence as a result of "doing the right thing." March 9, 2008 felt so normal. It was such fun. But, there was no gratitude. I was spoken to harshly and then promptly banned by Frieda's family members. The reasons have been varied. We were told at first that we "broke policy." Then we were told that we actually did NOT break policy, but the family requested it. That would be my choice of "the reasons." How very, very sad for Frieda. She is not a child.
Since Frieda's first stroke, Wayne and I have given our time, our money, our love and our support to Frieda and to her family as well. I made a vow to Frieda to care for her children as my own and we made ourselves available to them in any way possible. They had access to us 24 hours a day. This offer was extended to Frieda's extended family, as they needed to talk or needed ANYTHING from us. We were THERE for the Winfrey family. I rest easily in that knowledge.
We were there when varied factions of the family dynamic were in turmoil and we wanted to simply help our friend and stay out of the line of fire. We spent hours of time on the phone with various family members who were vehemently against one another and tried our best to keep the focus on FRIEDA. Now, it appears that things are imploding and it is so sad to see. There is no purpose in it, nor one ounce of "good" that can come from it. So we do pray for everyone involved. It's stunning and heartbreaking to see what we have seen. We have been banned from seeing our dear friend for doing something "normal." Public appearance has clearly taken priority over love, caring, gratitude and human dignity.
I will not now or ever apologize for such a wonderful day in the friendship of myself and Frieda Hudson. We had permission from her "primary guardian." Our friendship had never had restrictions and that was an assurance made to me by that guardian. We DID wait and wait, politely, hoping that soon someone would take Frieda someplace. Our friendship has been and will always be a treasure and a gift that no human can take from us. It is reciprocal, loving and genuine.
Frieda's strokes devastated us, as well as many others. I gave every bit of time and resources that I had to help by comforting family, comforting Frieda and praying for her improvement. She improved, she had another stroke and she has continued to improve from that. Where is the joy? Where is the gratitude? Is saving face publicly more important that appreciating the good that someone does?
I have mostly ignored the "rumor mill." Of late, however, Frieda has had more visitors. Folks decided to go see for themselves...and I am so glad they finally did. Frieda has needed to SEE her friends, as I have maintained all along. I have actually had people tell me via telephone, emails and in person that they thought I was LYING about Frieda's improvements based on what they had heard and now having actually seen her, they felt badly for having disbelieved what I posted. I have told the exact truth since I was asked by the family if I would use my blog to let people know Frieda's condition since the first stroke. To those of you who have seen for yourselves... while Frieda may be limited in her mobility, she IS competent and able to state her own mind. I am so thankful you have seen it for yourselves. To those of you who have apologized for doubting what I have posted or called me a liar, it's no problem. When you hear things from sources who should be rejoicing and the reports are bleak, I can't say that I wouldn't have doubted "me" either. I hold no ill will nor malice. I am not "that way" as a person. Forgiveness is one of my strong suits.
Now, I ask for prayer again for Frieda. She has asked for her competency to be restored and it is being challenged. I did make a motion to the court to SUPPORT Frieda's wishes. It was a gesture of support to my friend. I have NO (ZERO) court issues with Frieda's family in any way whatsoever. None. I have asked the guardians to be accountable and explain things that have not been followed according to the responsibilities a guardian. The responsibilities are not my query, but are rather state law and must be followed. These include periodic reviews of competency. I would hope that someone would do the same for me, as I have said many times, if I were in the same condition. Again, this is on Frieda's behalf. She is a human being and should not be denied her rights thereof because she is impaired from having two strokes. She is not a toy to be used as a pawn and manipulate the regrets of others.
I received this comment today from a reader named Kathie:
"Just want you to know you have not lost me as a reader but more importantly as a "prayer" for Frieda. I ask God to give her not only the strength but the tenaciousness to keep on plugging along. It is so gratifying to see that Frieda continues to make great progress. WE are rooting for Frieda. Kathie"
I may not know you, but thank you Kathie, for reading and for your words of support for Frieda. I cannot imagine feeling that I had to "ask" my family for my competency to be restored or that my family would oppose such a request. I do not understand, nor do I try to, the intrinsic issues that I have witnessed since Frieda's strokes. All I know for certain is that Wayne and I have given completely to ourselves to our friend for NO OTHER REASON except that we love her...and it has been the RIGHT thing to do. That cannot be denied at any level. FRIEDA'S RECOVERY has been our goal and we haven't lost focus for one moment since July.
Friendships are a rare commodity these days. Frieda and I will always be dedicated friends. I said on my post of March 9, we carried all of you who have continued to pray for Frieda "with us" on that outing. She was in good hands, she was safe, we had permission and again, I will make NO apology for doing a good deed.
(Frieda, we miss you. We love you and there is not a minute that goes by that you are not with us in our hearts.
We are so proud of you for all the hard work you have done and continue to do.) Though her voice doesn't speak to us in the same way, there are many who have seen her progress of late and I don't think "stunned" would be an improper word to use, at how well Frieda is doing.
I am just saddened that "saving public face" has detracted from Frieda's progress and wishes. God sees all of this. I am sure after answering all the many prayers He has been petitioned for, He couldn't be pleased with such unnecessary drama...at the expense of someone who has fought incredibly for HER LIFE.
If you don't have your own affairs in order, DO SO. Don't leave your lives to "guess work." We never know from one minute to the next what our lives will entail. Legally set up your wishes, let plenty of people know your wishes, make a living will, and take measures to maintain your dignity in your own lives. I have learned so much from this experience. I didn't "want" to know it, but you can bet, I know now that my life is my responsibility. Otherwise, it's a roll of the dice.
Keep the faith Frieda. Thumbs up. People can ban us from visits, but they cannot ban a friendship that will sustain for as long as we are both alive.
We love you very much...and have no regrets. We truly loved our day together...and as your note to me said, "We will be together as friends again." Yes, we will Frieda and we love you.
Annie and Wayne

|