FIFTY YEARS OLD???? Martha Myers Feted at 50.

Reports indicate that socialite, jet-setter, party girl Martha Myers made it through her first day of being FIFTY. Our sources indicate that her LA pals were snubbed and the step into the fifth decade was kept very local. Paris Hilton, we hear was devastated and checked into rehab again along with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Publicists for Ms. Hilton commented that there was just simply no way she could have "hung with" The Myers' crowd anyway."
Her "spare no expense" hubby Mean Gene the Dancin' Machine lavished Martha with an all out free for all
RONALD MCDONALD HAPPY MEAL PARTY! It was, of course, by invitation only. Those in attendance seemed to
enjoy the fabulous occasion. Lloyds of London insured the soiree based on the guest list, the types of gifts showered upon Martha and all the extra security measures required to keep the festivities in order.
Homeland Security sent off duty agents to patrol the outer parameters of the McDonald's on Long Beach Road in Southport, NC.
Mrs. Myers was her usual stunning self, crowned and bejeweled from head to toe for the extravaganza. Pictures portrayed Mrs. Myers sporting a particularly fetching pair of blue gloves.
I am quite certain this was THE event for Brunswick County for the year 2007. Wilma Lee Marmadoodle, of Holden Beach, who sadly did not make the guest list was overheard saying, "If you were not in attendance for this event, you are simply a nobody." That's just how the shots are called in the upper echelon of society in Bolivia, North Carolina. Many people came just to be near all the excitement. It was a virtual "WHO'S WHO" of celebs, photogs and fans trying to catch even a slight glimpse of Mrs. Myers as she slid gleefully down the slide into the ball pit of the children's area. No interviews of the guest of honor, nor any of the attendees were granted.
Fox News Channel correspondents were seen trying to get camera shots of the Birthday Queen, however, one federal agent was seen knocking a correspondent to his knees, taking the camera and proceeding to smash it into approximately 1000 tiny pieces. Last reports indicated the cameraman was transported by horse and buggy to Doshier Hospital located in Southport. He is expected to recover with only a few months of rehabilitation.
Paparazzi were lined up and down Long Beach Road and could be seen from Lowe's all the way to the bridge going onto Oak Island. Locals were questioned as to when an event such as this had taken place in Brunswick County. One Varnamtown native replied that he couldn't remember a production this big taking place since his sister/cousin and her husband/uncle got approved for the land/home package back in the 70's. As an aside, they still live there today, according to other members of the same family. "We're a real tight knit clan," the grandpa/great-uncle Clem added. We've been planning to come to town from Varnamtown to try to see any of this for months now! "It's near about as big as openin' day of deer season to us!" Wilma Lee Marmadoodle added, "It's what I'm gittin' my yung'uns for Christmas this year! This is as big as anything I could get at the Wal-mart for 'em!
It was quite an occasion. From early reports, a good time was had by all.
More news to follow as our special undercover McDonald's employees reveal more information, for a fee, of course. We are not ashamed to pay for information when an affair as big as this takes place in our humble community! After all, The Myers' could have gone to Wilmington, but they chose to stay within the confines of Brunswick county making for an thrilling night we could all be proud of. We plan to stake out by the Myers Estate to try and see how quickly Mrs. Myers recovers from this gala event. We expect to get more photos to publish tomorrow. Hopefully, they will be along the lines of the now famous 'Mike Nifong dressed in his robe and slippers' pictures. Rumor has it that entertainment was provided by the world famous women's dance troupe called OLDBATS (Old Ladies Doin' Bootyshakin' After Turning Seventy). According to inside sources, the performance was truly a sight to behold.
More info as it comes across the wire...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARTHA!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!

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